


The Price You Pay

by southsidesister



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Male-Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21838063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southsidesister/pseuds/southsidesister
Summary: It's 2007 and Harvey has just been promoted to senior partner. However, his dad passed away around the same time and he has a hard time coping with the loss. - This story focuses on Harvey and Donna's relationship after The Other Time and what Harvey was referring to when he said "Donna, about that time, you once told me..."
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Here's a little something I felt I needed to write, because it wouldn't let me go.
> 
> If you need some visual encouragement, I would suggest watching Rewind and The Painting, since this story is based on the flashbacks in those and the one comment Harvey made in 2x08 "Donna, about that time, you once told me –"
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it! Big thanks to Cassie (Follow-ur-Shadow) for your encouragement and feedback. You rock!

Part I

_Late Spring 2007 - New York City, NY_

"Goddammit!"

DONNA CONTINUED typing up the last email of the night, never once looking up from her screen. Her boss had been in a particularly bad mood all day and some time in the late afternoon, she had decided to just let him be after her well-meant advice was thrown back in her face with such vigor, she physically recoiled. But she took the hit in stride because Harvey was hurting. His dad had unexpectedly passed away a few weeks earlier, and as expected, he was incapable of coping with the emotions losing someone that important brought with it.

Instead of mourning, Donna had watched him celebrate his promotion, diving head-first into his work, pretending he was okay. But she knew better. The devastation in his eyes when she had delivered the news was something she would never forget. Yet he had gathered himself and acted like it was business as usual. Hell, if it hadn't been for her, he wouldn't even have gone to the funeral. However, some gentle persuasion had let him to go. Unfortunately, he had come back in an even worse mood.

Finally, after some prying on her part over a few drinks one night, he had recounted the events leading up to the falling out with his mom.

_"It's like I don't even have a family anymore."_

There was a small door into his heart and soul he opened every so often, just a crack. Only for her. He would let her in enough to get a glimpse of what was really going on, before he slammed it back shut, telling her and himself everything was fine, and not to worry. But Donna being Donna had no trouble seeing through his façade, even though it led to the occasional blowup between them when frustration got the better of them both; her frustration with him for not allowing himself to feel any emotions and his frustration with her for being able to read him like a book and him therefore not being able to hide his true self.

But it worked. _They_ worked. Spending nearly every day together for over five years had allowed them to grow close, really close. Closer than some couples Donna knew. However, she never lingered on that idea. They were co-workers who cared for one another as friends.

Except, they had been lovers, too. For one, too short, glorious night, Harvey Specter had made her see stars and in the few moments before he'd woken up the next morning, she had allowed herself to wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him every day. Despite the fact she knew this was most likely a one-time thing, her body craved more and her heart, well, it did a little dance of its own remembering how he had passionately kissed her afterwards with a longing in his eyes she thought only she possessed.

From day one, the physical attraction between them had been hard to ignore and when the opportunity had presented itself, they had both jumped at the chance. For Donna, it had been more than just carnal lust. Somewhere, deep inside, she had hoped that maybe there was something there, that maybe he wanted her for more than just her body and he would be willing to give _them_ a real shot. Because when he had subsequently called her to tell her he wanted to talk, her heart had skipped a beat and she'd stupidly allowed hope to reign free.

For when they did meet, he'd virtually begged her to come with him to a new firm and in a split second, she'd had to decide between betting on a serial womanizer changing his ways for her, or having him in her life in a professional capacity, even helping him shape his career. She had foolishly chosen the safest option.

_"We put it out of our minds and we never mention it again."_

She had often wondered what would have happened if she had told him the truth that day.

Still, there were moments when Donna wondered if Harvey might see her as more than just a friend. She would eavesdrop on him defending her from Louis' attacks and never once had Harvey participated when a client had made lewd comments about her or them. He was extremely protective of her and sometimes flat out jealous. Like when she'd told him about last week's date with Jason, and the shimmer of despondency that had crossed his face, followed by the forced way he'd uttered he was happy for her. And then there were the stolen glances, the late night calls, and the small things he did because he knew it would make her smile, all the while keeping a physical distance between them. He walked the line, careful not to cross it.

Sadly, Donna was no better. She knew about all his conquests, kept track of them, telling herself it was just for fun, because she could tease him about it mercilessly. But the truth was no laughing matter. She was terrified he would one day come in and tell her he'd fallen in love. Or worse, had found _the one_. So, instead, she played the same game he did, walking just close enough to the fire to feel the soothing warmth, but having to maintain a safe distance to not get burned by the flames. By him.

Packing up her things, Donna got ready to leave. It was nearly 6PM on Friday night and she had to get ready for her second date with Jason tonight, which she was really looking forward to. When prompted, Donna had immediately agreed to see him again, because date number one had definitely been a whole lot of fun.

Jason was an artist and had absolutely nothing to do with corporate life, a little fact she loved more than she cared to admit. He took her out of her world with stories of his travels and his hopes and dreams of a life in the French countryside. And she had dreamed with him because it felt so easy, uncomplicated, like nothing she dealt with on a daily basis.

Thanks to the glass walls, Donna could make out Harvey's form sitting in the chair behind his new desk, facing Manhattan's skyline. The bigger office he now occupied meant a larger distance for her to cross, allowing him ample time to acknowledge her presence. Yet he didn't move when she walked in. "I have the Felton merger all typed up and I got those tickets for the Yankees you wanted to give to Stuart Daley. Now, if there isn't anything else, I'll be going home." Donna spoke to his back. When no response came, she left the documents on his desk and turned towards the door. Halfway there, his voice cut through the silence.

"That was my mom on the phone," Harvey said softly.

Surprised by his admission, Donna pivoted around, glad he was opening up only to be met by more silence. "What did she want?" She kept staring at his chair's backside and noticed him square his shoulders, which meant he was putting up a brave front before facing her. Her heart sank a little, wondering if he would ever allow himself some consolation. A second later, he swiveled his chair around, meeting her eyes only for a moment before darting them to his laptop screen as fast he could.

"I've been dodging her calls for weeks. Now I remember why," he scoffed, evading the question.

When his gaze met hers, her heart sank further. She measured his sorrowful expression, his tightly drawn lips and haunted eyes which almost revealed the tears hiding behind them. He looked worn out and for a moment she wished there was some comfort to extend, because her heart ached for him, wishing he'd speak the words those eyes were trying to say. "I'm so sorry."

He let out a heavy sigh as if accepting defeat. "Didn't you have a date?"

"I do. Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine."

"You know you can always call me," she offered, knowing he wouldn't take her up on it, no matter how much she wished he would.

He tried to smile. "Goodnight, Donna."

The dismissal was like a slap in the face and she hesitated for a moment debating if leaving was such a good idea. Eventually, realizing his armor was up, she gave in, lacking the energy to engage him tonight. "Goodnight, Harvey."

•

WITH A GENTLE sway of her hip, Harvey's gaze followed Donna as she left his office. His heart sank, wishing she would stay, maybe listen to some of his dad's records with him over a few glasses of Scotch. Instead, she would be out with some guy, laughing, having fun, maybe fucking the lucky bastard, while he was left to drown his sorrows by himself.

Why couldn't he just open up to her? Tell her exactly how much this thing with his mom was hurting him? Because it was. Gordon Specter had been gone for less than a month and in that time, he had spoken to his brother twice and both times had ended in an argument over the funeral and Harvey's feud with Lily. That was it. He was left to face the grief alone and he was reaching the point where he just couldn't do it anymore.

Things were changing too fast. His dad dying, his promotion and the bigger office it came with, his new apartment. He needed something familiar to hold onto, because he felt like a stranger in his own life.

Seeking comfort in the arms of nameless women took the sting out for a little while and if he kicked back enough liquor, for one night, he could escape the darkness surrounding him altogether, a welcome distraction that had kept him going for a while now. But the nights grew colder and his suffering only seemed to grow. It felt like a hole in his heart was being dug for the pain to settle in, take root, until his entire heart succumbed under the growing pressure.

For weeks now, Donna had tried to get him to talk, to unload some of the burden, but every time he had tried opening up, he'd been paralyzed, unable to find the words buried under a pile of emotions so overwhelming, it was easier to deny they existed at all. He just couldn't do it and it made him wonder why. Even though Lily's betrayal happened years ago, her actions still had consequences to this day, and he hated her for it; hated himself for not being able to move past it.

Although Harvey knew he could trust Donna, being vulnerable wasn't something he was at all comfortable with. And after that little stunt Lily pulled, he wasn't even sure _trust_ was the right word. Donna had his back, professionally, but who was to say she wouldn't leave him as well? If whatshisname put a ring on her finger, it would only be a matter of time before she'd step back and eventually quit altogether. Sure, they were friends now, but there were no guarantees.

Except, there were moments, little flashes, when Donna's gaze pierced right through him as he caught her staring at him. He'd heard about her defending him to everyone from paralegals to senior partners. She was protective of him and he couldn't figure out why. Yet it was the reason he kept her at arm's length. Literally. He didn't trust himself with her, afraid he might do something stupid like kiss her and she would want more. She would deserve more. And all he was good for was sex.

Harvey had seen how his dad had loved his mom. And in return, every nice gesture, touch or look Lily had given her husband had been shrouded by a lie so dark and all-encompassing, Harvey simply never believed her intentions were true. The notion a woman could pretend to be in love with a man while double-crossing him at the same time, had woven itself deeply within his soul, he just stayed away from the romantic relationships altogether, assuming all women were the same.

Until Donna Paulsen barged into his life. And she was unlike any woman he had ever encountered. Incredibly smart, seriously funny, brazenly bold and to top it all off, breathtakingly beautiful. So naturally, his first instinct had been to reduce her to another notch on his belt, forcing her to be like all other women. Except, Donna refused to sleep with him, no matter how hard he'd tried, citing her rule of not having sex with people she worked with or some other bullshit he had decided to ignore while trying to get in her pants. Though, he had respected the hell out of her for it.

And when she eventually did agree, it had changed something in him, somehow disappointed she had given in, knowing all too well she was definitely relationship material, and he was definitely not. But he had been selfish in his conquest, longing to be worthy of her affection, while diminishing her to be like all the other women in his life, detaching himself from a reality he wasn't ready to face, the one in which she _was_ different.

Then the opportunity arose to bring her along to a new firm and he had a choice to make: try the dating game and surely fail or keep it professional, but keep her close. He had chosen the safest option. Yet the flicker of disappointment he had seen shift across her face the moment he had proposed the idea, stabbed him in the heart and twisted the knife. Although he'd felt like an asshole for doing this to her, he had also felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders when she had agreed. She would remain by his side and that was enough to make him feel like he could conquer the world.

But tonight, he would find victory in getting a good night's sleep, because the loneliness that had descended on him was triggering all kinds of desires to keep his mind occupied in ways he would regret in the morning.

A few hours later, Harvey stared into the fire burning in the hearth. It was late in the spring and the weather outside had improved a lot over the last few weeks. Still, he welcomed the warmth as it blanketed him. He had taken a case home, to keep himself busy and for the past two hours, it had done exactly that. The take-out he'd ordered had been good enough to sustain him until morning, but he was now on his third glass of Scotch and his mind had started to wander, drawing him back to the misery he was drowning in and his wish to somehow share some of the pain.

 _Donna_. He kept going back to the gorgeous redhead he got to call his friend. If there was ever anyone he would confide in, it was her and he silently cursed his inability to do so. Pouring himself some liquid courage, he took a big gulp of his drink and decided to reach out. With his heartrate accelerating rapidly, he started typing. And then deleted the thing. It was a sequence he repeated several times until he finally settled on a simple phrase.

_He was crazy about you._

The reply came instantly, making him feel… important? Loved? Regardless of what it was, it caused him to swallow hard. It was past 11PM, why was she able to answer him at all?

_The feeling was mutual. Are you OK?_

•

DONNA STARED at her phone, whishing the thing would go off. She had just gotten ready for bed and had been reading a book when Harvey had texted her. Jason, being a gentleman, had walked her home, kissed her goodnight and left her without any expectations. Although she would have gone home with him, she was glad to be alone now. The text from her mom earlier had unsettled her and Harvey's text only added fuel to the fire. When her phone beeped again, her heart stopped.

_No._

Dialing the number she had memorized by heart, Donna nervously waited for him to answer. When he didn't, she hesitated. After a tough day at the office, Harvey had reached out and there was only one thing she could think of doing.

Thirty minutes later, with a shaky hand, she knocked on his door, shifting her weight impatiently while she waited for him to answer the door. Unable to hear any noises coming from inside, she wondered if he was even home as a nervousness crawled up her spine. Donna hadn't been to his house before. What if this was a mistake? What if he was mad at her for crossing a boundary? But he had reached out to her and it was time they finally had a real discussion about things. A surge of frustration got the better of her the longer she stood outside.

When he finally answered after what felt like an eternity, she was met by a disheveled version of her boss, who had more than a faint hint of alcohol on his breath. He had traded his suit for a pair of jeans and a sweater and looked comfortable, if it weren't for his clenched jaws and eyes as big as a deer's caught in headlights.

"What are you doing here?"

Not waiting for an invitation in, she breezed past him, his question only adding to her annoyance. Of course he'd feign indifference, and pretend he hadn't just texted her he was _not_ okay. Would he ever be honest with her about his feelings instead of the push and pull he seemed so goddamned good at? "I'd thought I'd come check out your new place, since I was in the area," she deadpanned.

Coming to a standstill next to the kitchen island, she quickly scanned his apartment, taking in the sofa and the kitchen, the only things illuminated enough by the faint light from the fireplace to make out. The design was minimal, almost sterile. "Nice place. You should sign up for Bachelor Pad of the Year," she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Taking off her coat, she folded it over one of the barstools and made her way to the couch, plopping down next to where, judging by the tumbler and some paperwork, he had been sitting, throwing one leg over the other while tensely rocking her foot up and down. She wasn't going anywhere until she got him to talk.

"If you came here to make fun of how I live, you can leave again. I'm not in the mood."

Scanning his body from head to toe, she scrutinized him. Without his Tom Ford armor on, he looked much more fragile, the sadness no longer only visible in just his eyes but in his entire posture. It softened her mood, the reminder of why she was here at all standing before her with an undeniable load of grief on his shoulders. "Why don't you pour me a glass of whatever you are having, and we can talk."

"I have nothing to talk about," he mumbled, getting a glass from the cupboard and pouring her something from a half-empty bottle left on the counter before making his way over to the couch.

Unable to keep from sighing, she gave in. "Fine. Then I'll talk. I think my parents are headed for a divorce." Taking the glass from his hands, she watched him take a seat next to her, his brows furrowed.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. I just know they haven't been happy for a while and tonight my mom texted to inform me she is going to stay with her sister in Maine. My mom hates cellphones. She's never texted me before. Something is wrong and I don't know what to do about it," she explained nervously. Taking a sip from her drink, Donna was glad to get the load off her shoulders, somehow always finding it easy to talk to him. Except this time, she also had an ulterior motive, hoping that opening up would let him to do the same.

"I'm sorry, Donna."

HARVEY WATCHED how a disarming smile crossed her lips and for a moment he wished he could comfort her. He knew her parents; had met her mom once in the office and not too long ago he had faced off with Jim Paulsen when the man had tried to involve his own daughter in some of his shady bullshit. He couldn't care less about the man, but he hated seeing Donna like this.

If the situation were any different, he would probably put his arm around her, and she would relax into him. He'd maybe even leave a kiss on her temple, telling her it was all going to be okay. Tragically, they had their boundaries, but that did not stop him from thinking about all the ways he could make her forget, causing his gaze to drop to her lips.

"Harvey…"

Realizing he was staring, he quickly darted his eyes away.

The alcohol in his blood stream was putting dangerous ideas in his brain. Or maybe it was just allowing him to see what was already there. Either way, Donna's presence next to him on his brand new couch in his brand new apartment was doing something to him, triggering a desire he didn't know he possessed. The desire to let her in, even though his ineptness to do so told him to put it out of his mind. She was after all _a woman._

"I'm worried about you," she confessed, her soft voice cutting straight through him, calling him back to the room.

Apparently, she was no longer the topic of this conversation and he felt himself withdraw emotionally. "Don't be."

"I can't help it. I've watched you, day in, day out, go through the motions, acting like all is fine, but it's not."

"Just let it go, Donna." Goddammit. He never should have texted her. He couldn't do this.

"I can't."

His eyes met hers, trying to search for any evidence of dishonesty and finding none. "Why?"

"Because I care about you, Harvey."

Her sweet admission softened his barriers for a second, feeling that right now she was probably the only one who did. And how pathetic did that make him? It also made him an asshole for not being able to handle it. "Well, maybe you shouldn't."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that."

Why was she so fucking relentless? It wasn't like he deserved her compassion. He'd rather wallow in self-pity than accept any type of comfort that didn't come with lots of booze and anonymous sex, neither one she would provide. God, he really was an asshole. "Does Jason know you're here?" Maybe if he got confirmation she was like all the others, it would be easier to fend her off and send her on her way.

"He doesn't."

See? He knew it. Scoffing softly, he took a big swig of his drink, letting the alcohol burn away the disappointment rising to the surface.

"What?"

"Nothing." I was just right about keeping my distance, he cursed to himself.

"He left before you texted me. If he had been there, I would have told him I was coming over, because he knows we're friends and he also knows you just lost your dad."

Right, how wonderful to be reminded of the fact he was a sorry SOB. "You should go."

"I don't want to go," she deadpanned.

"Why not?"

"Because you are pushing me away and I want to know why."

Yeah, like that was a conversation he was willing to have. "Donna," he warned.

"Don't Donna me, Harvey. For weeks, I've watched you skulk around, throwing tantrums, biting my head off when you should be mourning your father. You're ignoring the pain which is obviously torturing you. I might not know what it's like to lose a parent, but I do know the loss of a loved one. And grieving is the only thing that will allow you to move on. I'm not saying it will be easy, but Harvey…" She paused and he could feel her eyes boring through him. "You're not alone. I'm here for you," she softly said, the words hitting him like a ton of bricks.

Somewhere during that last sentence, Donna had placed her hand over his, wincing when she felt him flinch. She had blurred a line they had been careful to keep clear. Yet he didn't retract his hand now frozen to the spot, realizing he was somehow drawing strength from the small touch she provided.

Her voice found a lower register, coaxing him on further. "You wouldn't have texted me if you didn't want to talk to me. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. And we don't even have to talk. We can just sit here and stare at our feet. But I think it's time for you to face your pain."

Her thumb had started moving back and forth over the back of his hand and he was afraid his chest would bruise from the way his heart pounded.

Harvey tried hard to remain in control, but he felt his hold slipping. Suffocated by the swirling thoughts, raging pain and Donna's nearness, he jolted from the sofa, helplessly throwing his hands up in the air. He tried to be composed when he spoke, hoping the quiver of his lip would go unnoticed. "What do you want me to say, Donna? That I feel like shit? Because I do. I miss my dad. He'd be the one I would talk to in a situation like this. He's always been the only person I could really trust. But now he's gone and I–" His voice broke and he tried to swallow the grief away, blinking hard against the sting in his eyes.

Wordlessly, Donna got up and made her way over to him. Harvey almost took a step backward, a look of nervousness on his face. He didn't want her pity. He was fine, for god's sakes. But her eyes never left his and he could tell she was on the brink of tears herself. He tracked her every move, afraid of what might come next. Afraid she might perceive him to be weak, although deep down he knew it was already too late for that. He had lost the battle. And for one, exceptional moment in time, he let her come near.

"I'm so sorry, Harvey," she whispered, gently raising her arms and wrapping them around his neck in a tentative embrace. He only hesitated for a second before surrendering, feeling her grip tighten the moment he did.

Soon, the initial shock of her closeness had worn off and he let the tears fall, opening his heart to a pain so big, it would no doubt shatter him to pieces. He braced himself for impact, yet, the sanctuary he found in her arms evidently took the edge off, keeping him whole and upright. The mind-numbing sorrow he had expected turned out to be nothing more than sadness. A whole lot of it, unlike anything he had every experienced before, but it was… bearable?

As he let the waves of sorrow and regret crash over him, he faintly registered her fingers playing with his hair. Something about her calmed him in a way that could very easily become addictive. Perhaps it was the faint smell of her perfume he had gotten so used to over the years. Or the way her body fit so perfectly with his. Regardless, he felt himself relax for the first time in weeks.

•

DONNA'S HEART broke as she held her boss, feeling his shoulders move up and down as he softly sobbed in her arms. It had taken a lot of perseverance on her part, but she was glad to have pushed through. Maybe now he could start to heal the wound that had been so clearly afflicting him. And deep down she was grateful for being the person Harvey would turn to when the chips were down.

"It's okay," she cooed softly, stroking his hair. "You'll be okay." Holding him in her arms, Donna had no way of preventing his scent from enveloping her. Unfortunately, it brought back many images of a night she had a hard time forgetting. Pushing the thoughts away automatically, now was not the time to let herself get lost in them as she often would. However, she couldn't help but briefly wonder why they couldn't have both.

Donna held him for as long as he would let her, rocking them both gently in the dimly lit living room. When the sobs finally subsided, he slowly pulled back.

Harvey tried to put some distance between them immediately, but she didn't let him, keeping a tight grip on his arms and letting him see the tears she had shed with him, her grief more for them than Gordon Specter.

Placing a hand on his cheek, she carefully wiped away the last remnants of his tears. "Hey. It's gonna be okay," she whispered. The smile he tried to muster didn't quite catch and she wished she could somehow take his pain away as her eyes trailed her hand brushing over his broken heart.

Looking up into his red-rimmed eyes, she found him staring straight at her and got sucked into the depths of his dark eyes and the way they coveted her. The crackling of the fireplace suddenly became way too loud when his lips parted slightly, her breath hitched and for a moment the world stopped moving.

Donna recoiled so fast, she shocked them both into reality, putting distance between them with her arms stretched out in front of her.

She thought she saw a flicker of disappointment cross his features before he turned around and headed for the kitchen. Gazing at his retreating back, there was suddenly a coldness where his body had been as a shiver ran over her spine from the adrenaline coursing through her veins.

After throwing some water on his face, Harvey hunched forward over the sink, dropping his head. Although the air in the room grew heavier with each passing second and Donna was unsure about what to do, she waited a minute as the weight of the moment came crashing down. "Do you want me to go?"

Squaring his shoulders, like she'd seen him do that afternoon, he turned to face her. With the kitchen island between them, he grabbed the bottle of Scotch and asked, "You want a refill?"

Smiling in relief, she took her glass and brought it to him, silently watching how he poured her a drink as water pooled from his chin onto the counter. "You're dripping," she quipped, hoping it would lighten the mood.

"Yeah, well. As long as it's only water from my chin, I'll be fine," he retorted, the edges of his mouth curving up slightly. It still wasn't a smile, but it was getting there.

He ran a hand over his face and released a sigh. "Listen, I'm sorry I yelled at you today."

The apology was definitely a surprise, and a welcome one at that. "It's okay, Harvey."

"No, it's not. I just –" He ran a hand through his already tousled hair, looking exhausted.

"I know, Harvey." Putting the tumbler down, Donna smiled up at him. "Are you going to be okay?"

Sad eyes met hers. "Do I have a choice?"

"You always do. But I think you're going to be just fine." Walking over to the barstool holding her coat, she put the garment on. "I should go. You need to get some sleep." As the words left her mouth, she watched him stifle a yawn. She wasn't sure if she wanted him to ask her to stay, but in light of the current tension between them, leaving felt like the best option.

She was almost out the door, when her name on his lips cut through the silence as he walked behind her to see her out.

Turning around to face him one last time, Donna assured him with a tender smile, "I know, Harvey. I'll see you on Monday," knowing it was his way of thanking her.

About an hour later, she was finally in bed, again, convinced that sleep was probably not on the list for her tonight when her phone beeped on the nightstand.

_Thank you._

Reading the message, Donna smiled, a mix of relief and something else washing over her. Was that _love_?


	2. Part II

Part II

_Christmas Eve 2007 - Hartford, CT_

CLOSING HIS laptop with a little too much force, Harvey let out a sigh.

It was Monday night, Christmas Eve, and instead of taking the four days off Jessica had granted everybody this year, Harvey had ignored her well-meant advice of getting some rest, taking a few cases home. There was no way in hell he would be bored out of his mind, forced to spend a few days away from the office during a time supposed to be shared with family and loved ones.

He'd much rather be productive, forcing his mind to focus on work instead of the fact he was spending Christmas alone this year.

Jessica had offered for him to spend Christmas with her family, but besides the fact it was an obvious pity invite, he also felt there was a fine line between working together and being friends and he wasn't sure he was comfortable crossing that with the woman he looked up to as his mentor. Although Marcus had sent a text inviting Harvey to spend Christmas with his family, the fact he couldn't even muster a goddamn phone call, had been reason enough to reject the invitation, And when his brother wasn't able to guarantee Lily would stay away, Harvey had not so politely declined. He was still too deeply hurt by what had happened at his dad's funeral and the subsequent talks which had resulted in harsh words being spoken and nothing getting resolved.

The worst part about the falling out with his mother was Harvey now had a hard time believing the woman actually gave a shit about him, because she failed to understand why he had a problem with Bobby in the first place. And when it came down to it, she had made her choice. And it wasn't her son. That much was clear.

It wasn't like Harvey needed her; he had been taking care of himself ever since he had left for college. But to know he apparently meant so little to his own mother she could so easily turn her back on him, had left him with an emptiness in his chest and an aching in his heart. He guessed he now knew how his dad must have felt when he had found out that the woman he loved had been sleeping with his best friend. You think you know a person, love them, trust them and in turn expect nothing but loyalty from them and yet in the end all that's left is a knife in your back.

Chewing on his lip, he bit back the tears that were stinging his eyes. He was so done hurting all the goddamn time.

Pouring himself a drink, he sloshed the liquid around in the tumbler and contemplated going out for dinner tonight, only to realize that because of the date, there might not be a single table available in all of New York City. Not that he'd want to be caught dead eating alone on Christmas Eve, anyway. Take-out would have to do.

After placing the order for an extra large pizza with double pepperoni and extra mushrooms, Harvey slumped bank into his chair. Judging by the look of his stylish bachelor pad, nobody would know it was the month of joy and celebration. There wasn't a decoration in sight. No brightly lit tree or stockings hanging over the fireplace. No nativity scene or even a stupid advent calendar. His apartment looked like it always did; as cold and empty as he felt.

His office was a different matter. Donna had always made sure to decorate the place, starting right after Thanksgiving. Never anything over the top, but subtle items here and there, just enough to give him a sense of good cheer. However, this year, she had seemed out of sorts herself. Having mentioned her parent's split to him a few weeks earlier, he'd seen the pain in her eyes, but he hadn't realized that her own holiday cheer would be affected by it as well. And now his office lacked decorations as well as her jolly spirit.

So, he had gotten her a gift to make her feel better and he'd be damned if he didn't think it had worked, even a little. The smile that had appeared on her lips when she had unwrapped the square box reading 'Tiffany & Co.', was enough to last him through the remainder of the month. Opening it, Donna had looked up at him with the biggest hazel eyes he'd ever seen, her mouth slightly agape; a look of sheer surprise plastered over her beautiful face. He'd felt positively proud of himself. Then she'd handed him the golden necklace with a diamond branch pendant and lifted her hair to the side without saying a word. Lightheadedness had slammed into his brain then and he had to force himself to breathe, accepting the jewelry from her with trembling fingers and unsteadily placing it around her delicate neck, praying to God she wouldn't notice. Although he brushed his physical reaction off as not having eaten enough that day, Harvey had found it challenging to forget how exquisite she had smelled and how much it reminded him of comfort; her last embrace still fresh in his mind.

He wondered what she was doing now. Donna was supposed to spend Christmas Eve with her dad and then Christmas Day with her mom. He knew the idea of her family not being together broke her heart and he briefly thought of texting her, looking over at his phone and how easy it would be to just type, 'hey, how's it going?' or some other inane question friends asked each other. Yet, he didn't move, telling himself he didn't want to disturb her evening, even though the sad truth was that he did. He wanted to talk to her, see her, maybe have her come over so they could watch a sappy Christmas movie together, curled up on the couch, holding her in his arms.

As images of his Christmas wish started flooding his mind, he kicked himself for thinking of her that way. She was his secretary. His confidant. His compass. And friend. Not his _girl_ friend.

Frustration boiled to the surface and he checked the clock again, wondering why the hell that damn pizza was taking so long. He needed to get out of his house and do something to alleviate the restless feeling crawling beneath his skin. Cursing the fact the gym was probably closed early tonight as well, he weighed his options.

The last two nights, he had found himself at his favorite jazz joint, kicking back one too many drinks and saddling up to whatever lonely blonde or brunette caught his eye. His quick wit and charm always served him well when it came to enticing himself into someone's bedroom and the last two nights were no different. However, he didn't feel like going down that path again tonight, the conquests nowhere near what he needed to fulfill the emptiness he felt deep in his bones.

•

LISTENING TO her dad talk gushingly about his girlfriend of two weeks had left Donna feeling nauseous and with no appetite to speak of. Ever since that afternoon said girlfriend had answered the door of her dad's new apartment like she owned the place, Donna had felt uneasy. The middle-aged woman was nice enough, but Donna had excused herself before dessert, citing a splitting headache and a tiredness she blamed on an oncoming cold.

To her dismay, her dad had accused her of working too hard for that jerk of a boss and not taking well enough care of herself which now forced her to cut his Christmas with her short.

Donna had taken the hit and walked out the door, finally able to breathe once the lock clicked into place behind her. The tears had come on their own accord and she'd had to take a moment to gather herself before braving the drive to her hotel just outside of Waterbury, grateful to the heavens above the new apartment didn't have a spare bedroom and she was free to leave.

As soon as she swiped the plastic keycard through the lock, she slipped off her shoes and let herself fall face first onto the mattress of her king-sized bed. There weren't many moments in Donna Paulsen's life where she wished she were married, but evenings like this made her long for someone to complain to, to take the sting out of things, someone with a shoulder to cry on, who would ease her worries by kissing her until it stopped hurting and tell her it was all going to be okay. Because on nights like these, she found it hard to convince herself things would ever be okay again.

She missed Jason, the artist with a mind like a butterfly, who in the end couldn't deal with her corporate schedule and had broken up with her right before Thanksgiving. Donna had been ready to introduce him to her family but instead had shown up alone. Again.

The holiday had turned out to be the last one the Paulsens had celebrated as a family too and the realization brought a new set of tears to her eyes. Wednesday couldn't come soon enough, because she'd be back at the office, happy to focus on other people's problems. Although thinking of the tough time Harvey was having did nothing to ease her woes.

Ever since that night she had gone over to his place and he had cried in her arms, things had been different between them. Better, in a sense. He was a little more open about his feelings regarding his dad, granted he still kept his guard up most of the time. But he had let her in. His spirits were up and the times she caught him with his mind drifting off looking gloomy had lessened by the week.

Until December rolled around and the tightness in his shoulders had increased from the blanket of melancholy shrouding him. His tormented eyes failed to gleam, no matter what she had tried.

She briefly wondered how he was doing tonight, hoping Harvey was having a better time than she was. She had first-hand experience when it came to losing a loved one and knew exactly how tough those first few celebratory occasions could be. So, when he had told her he'd be spending the whole weekend in Boston she had felt like she'd been handed the best gift she could have asked for. Especially, since Harvey's dad had always been a fan of Christmas, making sure he was never on tour during the holidays when his sons were still young.

One Christmas, when she and Harvey had just started working for Jessica, they had been working late to finish up before the holiday break when Gordon, who was in town for some gigs and to spend Christmas with his eldest son, had unexpectedly dropped by the office.

* * *

_Waiting for Harvey to finish his phone call, Gordon sat on Donna's desk, sharing a glass of Macallan 18 with her and sharing memories of Christmases at the Specters._

_"Harvey used to love the holiday as a kid, always helping with the decorations and when he got older, going out of his way to find the perfect gifts for all the members of his family. Until one year, he didn't," Gordon said solemnly._

_Donna looked at her boss' father, meeting his gaze and silent acknowledging the unspoken words hanging between them. That must have been the year he had caught Lily cheating. Donna wondered if the woman had any idea how much she had taken from her own son by being so goddamn selfish._

_"He won't let me decorate the office too much, but I still do it when he's not around. And I've never heard him complain," she added boastfully._

_"Good. Don't. He secretly loves it, even though he'll never admit it."_

_"I know," Donna smirked._

_Gordon stared at Donna, a smooth smile on his lips. "He's lucky to have you, Donna. And even though he might not admit that either, I know it's the truth."_

_"How do you know?" Donna asked, intrigued the man was so convinced._

_"Because he only talks about you with respect and adoration and I swear it on my saxophone, he gets a twinkle in his eye every time he does. If I didn't know any better, I would say he's crazy about you and not just in a professional capacity."_

_Donna noticed the lack of a tease in his words. Gordon appeared to be sincere and it unsettled her, having pushed the hope Harvey might see her as more than just a secretary out of her mind when earlier that year she'd accepted his offer to come with him to Pearson Hardman._

_"Come on, Gordon. You know we're friends," she said averting her eyes, feeling scrutinized from a gaze too much like her boss'. If only he knew what had transpired between them a mere five months ago._

_"I know," he complained with a smile, throwing up his hands in surrender. "I'm just telling you what my eyes have seen. That's all. And I know my son has difficulty showing his emotions. Unfortunately, he gets that from his mother. If it had been me, I wouldn't have wasted –"_

_"Are you talking about me?" Harvey said grinning from the doorway, cutting his dad off._

_"Finally. I was just telling Donna here how wonderful she is," Gordon said, giving Donna a wink._

_"Oh, she knows it," Harvey said, smiling at Donna as he pulled his dad into a warm embrace._

_As the men hugged, the look shared between Donna and Harvey lingered for a moment. The love for his father shone brightly on his face and it brought a smile to hers seeing Harvey show affection like that. It was a side to him he didn't show often, and she was thankful to share in this moment._

* * *

Thinking back to the few times she had seen Harvey and his dad together, Donna's heart broke anew for his loss. Gordon was the only person Harvey truly loved and the one person he always spent Christmas with, either in town or on the road. And now everything had changed on a dime. His heart was in pieces and her own had broken several times over the last few weeks.

Taking her phone from the nightstand, she typed up 'Merry Christmas' and sent it to Harvey, not expecting an immediate reply. Although, it had only been her way of saying, 'hey, I'm thinking about you, hope you're well,' deep down, she secretly wished he was thinking about her, too.

She succumbed to her own exhaustion shortly after.

The next day, just before noon, Donna had gotten off the phone with her sister, preparing her for their dad's surprise. In turn, Donna had been cautioned about her mom's less than merry mood, because she too had found out Jim Paulsen was dating.

The sisters had split up this Christmas, so neither parent would have to spend a day alone, which they now both regretted, wishing they could at least share the burden by having the other one there. Instead, she'd have to face her mom alone.

Flipping through her incoming messages, she had received several new ones, but Harvey hadn't responded yet and it unsettled her. He wasn't big on texting, but he always replied to her eventually. She sent another text asking, 'How is Boston?' before getting in her car and getting on the road to her parent's house, which was now only her mom's house.

_Goddammit_ , this Christmas sucked.

The trip up to Hartford had taken well over an hour with holiday traffic delaying her arrival time by at least thirty minutes. By the time Donna knocked on the door, her mom had had a few glasses of last night's wine already and was steadily journeying through a new bottle even though the afternoon was still young.

If she hadn't been driving, Donna would have joined her, feeling sorry for both her mom and herself.

As it turned out, the alcohol made for an angrier version of the Clara Donna knew and once she started prying into Donna's evening with her dad, Donna had tried to shut it down, not wishing to get trapped in the middle of their separation. However, her mom had proved resilient and hadn't backed down, insisting Donna tell her every little detail about Jim's new trollop. When Donna had resisted, her mom had condemned her for choosing his side and stormed off, saying she was going to lie down, while having to steady herself against the handrail of the staircase. Donna had grudgingly helped her up the stairs and into bed.

So, now Donna sat in the living room, once more mindlessly flipping through the channels when her phone went off, alerting her of an incoming message.

_I didn't go to Boston._

The simple text shocked her out of her own haze for a moment. Immediately she was pleading with a higher power, praying to God he hadn't spent the last three days by himself. She couldn't stand the idea of him being all alone on Christmas, especially not this year. She had half a mind to get in her car and drive back to Manhattan but quickly pushed the thought away, denying her instinct to protect him from any kind of pain, yearning to be the one to provide some shelter from the hurt he undoubtedly was experiencing.

_Why? Did something happen?_

_No._

She read those two letters a few times, trying to figure out what could have made him cancel his trip, but coming up empty, her own heartache clouding too much of her intuitive capabilities. All she knew was that he was alone now, and the idea wrenched her heart.

_You wanna come to Hartford? My mom's asleep and I think she's down for the count. But there's food. And wine. Even eggnog if you wanna go really crazy._

Donna hesitated a moment, the spontaneous idea was as simple as 'one and one makes two'. She was alone and so was he. But she wasn't sure how he'd react and perhaps, on some level, his rejection would humiliate her. Could she answer honestly when someone asked her why she had invited him? Was there an ulterior motive behind it? Lord, she was way too sober to want to ponder the intention behind her next move.

Throwing caution to the wind, she hit 'send' and consequently threw her phone on the chair opposite the couch she was occupying like the thing was on fire, the device yielding too much power over her state of mind. When it beeped again a moment later, Donna begrudgingly got up and took a deep breath before opening her messages.

_What's the address?_

Her heart stopped, then skipped a beat before continuing its normal rhythm.

Holy shit. He was coming over. A surge of panic washed over her even though she reminded herself it was only Harvey. Her boss. Her friend. The man whose name she had screamed when he'd gone down on her and with whom she would now get to spend an extended amount of time. Outside of the office. In a place that wasn't a restaurant or some firm-hosted social but her mom's house of all places.

She quickly sent him the directions before going into the kitchen and emptying the wine bottle Clara had left on the counter. She needed something to take the edge off and fast.

Harvey would still take two hours to get to Hartford. And if her mom by some miracle decided to join the land of the living, they would both be right on time for dinner. But Donna silently prayed her mom would remain unconscious, feeling a tiny bit giddy at the thought of sharing a Christmas meal with the man who still invaded her dreams from time to time. Okay, so maybe she did have an ulterior motive. But the fantasy of them getting it on in front of the fireplace was just that. A fantasy. A daydream based on events of the past which were never to be repeated again. Because she had stupidly said so.

Yet, as the hour neared, Donna grew increasingly nervous. Could she read something into him coming over? Did accepting her invitation mean anything other than him not wanting to be alone? She knew they were friends, but this was definitely new territory for the both of them and her stomach churned.


	3. Chapter 3

Part III

_Christmas Day 2007 - Hartford, CT_

PULLING UP behind the light blue Prius he recognized as Donna's, Harvey took a deep breath. He scanned the brownstone, taking in all the lights adorning the windows and the decorated pine that was most likely there all year long, but only one month out of twelve wore twinkling lights in its branches. Peeking inside, he could discern a large Christmas tree in the middle of the spacious room as well as a burning fireplace. Lamps and candles lit up the space like a palace. The whole thing looked like a Hallmark card and he felt awkwardly out of place, like a stray that had been handed a pittance. Christmases were spent in bars or hotels, sometimes on his dad's couch, watching sports, ordering stale Chinese food. Not in strange people's houses with fireplaces and presents under the tree. And definitely _not_ with Donna.

A cold sweat crept up his skin as his breath shuddered, leaving tiny, misty clouds in its wake as he exhaled against the chilly air. Tucking his scarf in, Harvey pulled his collar to the icy winds as he made his way to the front door, took a deep breath to steady himself and tapped the brass knocker twice. _It was just a meal. No big deal._

The red ribbon on the wreath simply read 'Merry Christmas' and somehow, Harvey felt his heart swell as an intangible sense of being welcome crept into his system, unlike anything he'd felt in a long time. He might not be with his own family but Donna inviting him was second to none. Maybe that's why he had put on a brand new Ralph Lauren cardigan and some nice trousers, instead of some worn-out jeans and a t-shirt he usually sported on a day off. But it wasn't to impress her, he told himself. Dressing up was merely polite.

A moment later, the gorgeous redhead he got to call his friend opened the door, looking absolutely stunning in a dark blue, velvet dress that left him hungry for something else. His eyes landed on the golden chain hanging from her neck, flanked by strands of auburn and his insides fluttered. She must have noticed his reaction, considering how the exchanged greeting that followed felt awkward and unlike them, the air between them thick with too many unspoken desires.

When Harvey stepped over the threshold, trading the cold for something more pleasant, he was well aware the warmth enveloping him wasn't just coming from the fireplace. So, he let himself absorb the gentleness of its caress after having spent the last few days in lonesome solitude.

"Here, let me get your coat," Donna suggested, and he thought he sensed a timidity in her voice he had seldom witnessed before. The always composed and take-charge secretary he had known for several years was definitely not in this room. But he liked this version of her, the softer version he had fantasies about every now and then; the same version that would marry him someday, perhaps even bear his children. Because if he was truly honest with himself and reached in the depths of his soul, he would find he wanted it; the whole package; everything he'd known as a kid. The brownstone with the lit-up Christmas tree. Kids running around, unwrapping their presents. A wedding band on his finger showing the world in no uncertain terms he had found _the one_.

Yeah, right. Like that was ever going to happen. Marriage and kids were not in the cards for him, let alone with someone way out of his league, like Donna. No. He might be lucky enough to find a girl who would tolerate his bullshit for a while before moving on to another asshole. And if he was unlucky, he might knock someone up by accident. But true love was elusive and not for someone as fucked up as him.

Following her into the living room, Harvey took in his surroundings and the undeniable Christmas spirit that permeated the place, feeling grateful to have been invited into her family home. Piecing together the tidbits she had told him over the years, he asked, "Great house. You didn't grow up here, did you?"

"No, my parents bought this place a couple of years ago."

"I like it." The house was exactly the kind of home he imagined happy families lived in. Except, the reason he was here was because Donna's parents were separated. So much for that concept.

"Are you hungry?"

"Starving," he confessed, some left-over pizza from the night before having been the only meal he'd had so far. If he tried hard enough, he might convince himself he was only here for the food. "So, what happened to your mom?" Harvey followed Donna into the kitchen and listened to her explain about her shitty Christmas Eve. By the time she was finished, he wanted to punch Jim Paulsen. That man sure had a way of getting under his skin even when he wasn't in the room. But he loved listening to Donna talk, especially about things that had nothing to do with work. And before he knew it, they were munching on dessert and two hours had passed.

A silence fell between them for the first time since he got there, and he looked up from his plate to meet her gaze. He could tell there was something she was reluctant to ask from the way her eyes darted from his a little too quickly.

"Tell me what happened," she finally said softly, before vanishing a spoonful of pumpkin pie in between her red lips, occupying her mouth so he would have to do all the talking or let an uncomfortable silence fill the space.

His eyes fell to the flickering flame of the candle between them as he briefly debated lying. Nevertheless, Donna was still Donna and would see right through him, something he truly loved her for, even if it was only on a subconscious level. "There was a good chance my mom would be there, so I decided not to go," he said not meeting her gaze, hoping his response would be enough of a satisfying answer.

"Have you spoken to either one of them?"

He could feel her stare like two beams burning right through him, but he continued picking at his plate. "No, I haven't. We're done," he said impassively, mentally shutting out the pain that statement raised. He had gotten quite good at it over the last few months, but he knew in his soul he longed for things to be different.

Donna once again broke the silence that had descended on them. "Have you been to the gravesite yet?"

"No," he said hoarsely as guilt slammed into his chest. He'd been too busy, or so he told himself, despite the fact Harvey had thought about going every day for the last six months. The truth was, he didn't want to accidentally run into his mom there, his dad's grave being the last place he wanted to have it out with her.

Another silence stretched between them and Harvey felt less at ease, wishing she would change the subject, back to her, preferably.

"We could go," she suggested carefully. "I mean, we're halfway there already."

Harvey's eyes shot up to hers, trying to see if he had heard her right. "You wanna go to Boston? What? Now?"

"Why not? It's not like we have anything else to do. Plus, it would be nice if you could visit your dad. It is Christmas after all," she added with a sheepish smile.

Harvey took a minute to digest what she was saying. Go to Boston, quite possibly the last place where he wanted to be tonight, weren't it for the fact he had been desperately wanting to visit his dad's final resting place. And to have Donna go with him, was something he had never fathomed possible. Still, uncertainty nagged in the back of his mind. "What if we run into…"

"We won't," she stated as if it was written in stone.

Harvey braced himself, the conviction in her tone setting off all kinds of alarm bells. "How do you know?"

"Because they've already been to visit."

Again, he tried to read her, momentarily hating that she always seemed to know things he didn't.

"I talked to Marcus," she added.

"You talked to my brother, behind my back?" Frustration was getting the better of him as he spit out the words, putting his defenses back in place.

"Harvey."

"When?"

"This afternoon."

"Did he tell you I haven't spoken to him in months?"

"He did. He's hurting, too, you know."

"So, you're on his side now?" He heard the anger in his voice, wishing he could contain his emotions, but the words were out before he could stop himself.

"This isn't about sides, Harvey. But even if it was, you should know by now that I'm always on your side. And being on your side means I want to see you on good terms with your brother, because it's obvious this situation is hurting you."

Harvey got up from the table and moved to the counter, unable to spend another second having this conversation as his emotions warred inside, draining him of his appetite and filling him with a desire to leave. Of course, he was hurting. Having been in constant pain for nearly half a year was taking its toll. But Donna confronting him with it wasn't going to make the ache go away.

When she spoke again, her voice came from a position closer to where he now was and he was afraid to turn around; lacking the strength to hide the hurt on his face and not strong enough to show her his vulnerable state. "He asked about you. Wanted to know how you were doing."

For a second, Harvey thought he felt her hand move to his shoulder, but contact was never made, and he shrugged the feeling off. "He should have called me."

"He should have, but he was afraid you might not want to talk to him."

And he would have been right. _Goddammit_. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes and clenched his jaws fighting every emotion he felt rising to the surface.

"He loves you, Harvey. Don't let the thing between you and your mom come between you and him too. It's not worth it. He didn't do anything wrong."

That last statement was debatable, but he could see where she was coming from. Moreover, as always, she was right. He didn't want to lose his brother over this, but he had no idea how to keep Marcus in and leave Lily out. Could he be a brother without being a son at the same time? All he knew was he'd have to try. It was certainly worth putting his ego aside for. And perhaps if he was lucky, Donna would guide him along when he would slip off track.

Since he had started letting her in, it felt like the load on his back was somehow much more bearable. If he could somehow find a way to open up more often, maybe he could tackle this as well.

Dropping his shoulders in defeat, he let out a tense breath. Harvey turned around, meeting her tender eyes. "You would really go to Boston with me?"

"I would," she said with a determination that made Harvey wonder what he had ever done to deserve someone as caring and compassionate as Donna in his life, suddenly feeling unworthy of her devotion.

Harvey hesitated a moment, but the look of sincerity pierced straight through him, melting the barricade around his heart. "Fine," he conceded. With her by his side, the daunting task of visiting his dad's grave didn't seem so daunting at all.

"Really?" Donna exclaimed excitedly, seemingly surprised at his turnaround regarding the idea.

"Wait, won't the cemetery be closed by the time we get there?"

"I know a guy."

"You know a guy in Boston who will let us in after hours on Christmas?"

"What can I say? I'm Donna," she said, shrugging her shoulders with a glint in her eye.

He grinned at her statement, knowing he shouldn't be surprised either. The bright smile she gave him lit up his entire universe and he was happy to have caved, her guiding light continuing to help him navigate his faltering steps in a world without Gordon Specter.

•

CHECKING ON her mom, Donna had found the woman passed out, which might just be for the better. She had written Clara a note, in case she did wake up in the next few hours and wondered where Donna was.

Sleeping through this Christmas hadn't seemed like such a bad idea a few hours ago. That was until Christmas had gotten a lot more interesting ever since Harvey showed up. Especially since they were now on their way to Boston.

As expected, Harvey was a remarkably good driver, the Audi like an extension of himself as he expertly maneuvered them through holiday traffic.

Twenty minutes outside of the city, Harvey pulled into a small gas station. Next door were several shops, mostly closed, a diner, a grocery store as well as a liquor store, inspiring Donna with an idea. Checking to see if Harvey needed anything, she was met with a dismissive answer and made quick work of her plan, getting back before Harvey finished filling up the tank. With a satisfied smile, she took her seat, staring out the front window when Harvey got back behind the wheel.

"What are you looking so pleased about?" he asked, before starting the engine.

"Nothing," she replied with a smirk on her face.

"You're up to something. I can tell."

"Just drive, Specter," she ordered with a smile, crossing her fingers he was going to like her surprise.

The remainder of the drive was spent in silence. Although, Harvey had talked a lot about his dad before they stopped for gas, he grew silent as they approached the cemetery; the white knuckles from the tight grip he held on the steering wheel enough of a sign he was feeling more than anxious.

Biting her lip, Donna had to keep herself from reaching out and giving his leg a squeeze, or touching his arm, or simply holding his hand, reminding herself they were only friends, therefore small, intimate acts of reassuring comfort might cross a line. She hated having to think about her actions and what they might mean or be perceived as with every fiber of her being.

When they finally pulled up into the dimly lit parking lot of Copp's Hill Burying Ground, Donna grabbed the brown paper bag and followed Harvey, who crossed the pavement with a determination in his stride, apparently knowing where he was going. Donna had to scurry along to keep up, her low-heeled boots clicking loudly on the asphalt, alerting Harvey to slow down. It was clear he wanted to get this over with as fast as possible.

Walking up to the gate, they were met by a young man who greeted them by their names and handed Harvey a torch, just in case they got lost. The directions were clear and as the gate opened, squeaking sounds of metal brushing over metal echoed through the air.

All at once, the idea of visiting a cemetery at night with no one else around felt a bit overwhelming, pushing Donna to link her arm through Harvey's, searching for some comfort of her own as they started walking towards their destination, their footfalls heavy and in sync on the gravel path. She had expected some kind of reaction from the physical contact, but when she looked at his face, she could tell by his sorrowful expression Harvey's mind was elsewhere. She couldn't blame him. Instead, she moved in a little closer, enjoying the warmth emanating from him as the freezing wind blew all around them.

The only lights around were the street lamps illuminating the pathways and Harvey had to shine his flashlight to scan the tombstones. It turned out, the directions were spot on when a few minutes later, they came face to face with the granite marker reading 'Gordon Specter. Loving father.' Donna felt Harvey's body become rigid at the sight, before he put the flashlight down, pointing it up at his father's name.

Taking the paper bag, Donna took out the bottle of Macallan 18 and the three shot glasses she had gotten at the liquor store.

"I thought we could toast," she told him, trying to measure Harvey's haunted expression, and seeing a smile forming at the corners of his mouth. He nodded in agreement causing a feeling of victory to settle in her chest as she started pouring them all a drink.

"Here's to you, Dad," Harvey said with a quiver in his voice, raising his glass.

"To Gordon," Donna echoed before they both swung back their shots.

As the liquid settled, she chanced a look at the face of the man standing beside her. His breathing was shallow, and he was pursing his lips to keep from crying. She'd seen him do it before and every time it broke her heart a little more. Donna reached for his arm, daring to give him a reassuring squeeze. "I'll give you a minute," she said softly, waiting for him to meet her gaze and give his approval to leave, in case he didn't want her to.

Harvey's sad eyes met hers as a grateful smile crept at the corners of his mouth. "Thanks, Donna."

She didn't wander far, still too freaked out about being at a cemetery at night, alone. However, she made sure to be out of earshot, walking back towards a bench they had passed on the way. From her position, she could still make out Harvey's form, even in the darkness. He looked small, fragile, nothing like the powerhouse of a man she knew him to be. But this year had been tough on everybody, ever since Marcus had both trusted and burdened her with the task of telling Harvey his dad had passed away.

When she had called Marcus earlier to ask what had happened, she knew she was walking on thin ice, never before having pried into Harvey's private life in such a way. Yet, she felt confident talking to the younger Specter. However, today she had had a bone to pick with him, because seeing Harvey carry the burden of his loss alone had become unbearable to witness. She had held hope that Christmas would resolve things between them, but when Harvey had ended up spending the days alone, she had felt compelled to find out why, knowing that getting a clear answer from her boss was highly unlikely. Luckily for her, Marcus hadn't minded her inquiry, explaining that he would not choose a side in this battle. Both Lily and Harvey were welcome at his house, at all times, something Donna had regrettably understood all too well. In the end, Marcus had thanked her from the bottom of his heart for being there for his big brother.

_"I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you. I know I am."_

Being in Boston now and seeing Harvey at his most vulnerable made her realize she did indeed love him. He was family. Furthermore, her being here with him meant she was his, too. He trusted her, which was as close to love as one could get with Harvey Specter.


	4. Chapter 4

Part IV

_Christmas Day 2007 - Boston, MA_

HARVEY LISTENED to Donna's footstep fading into the night as the wind's chill cut against his skin, lost staring at the letters spelling out his dad's name. When he blinked again, the letters blurred as tears filled his eyes and a stray tear made its way down his cheek, the icy wind scorching the wet path it had traveled on his face.

There were so many things he wished he'd said to his dad, feeling the regret tear at the edges of his sanity. How could he ever move on knowing he would never get to talk to his father again? There were still so many things he wanted to get his opinion on; things he wanted to share.

He already missed the nights in the club when he would sneak in and watch his dad play, or the Sundays on the couch watching the game, drinking beers, feeling safe and secure in the notion his dad would always be there for him.

And now he was all alone, his family close yet so far, out of his reach and if he kept it up, out of his life eventually, too. He had no real friends to speak of, the only contacts in his phone business associates. If someone would ever ask him who his best friend was, they would probably have him committed for acknowledging it was his secretary and laugh in his face for him being a grade-A pussy.

But it was the truth.

Donna was one of the very few people he trusted and who he could rely on and he would do anything for her in return. However, spending Sunday nights with her, eating pizza and watching some stupid reality TV show he had gotten hooked on were out of the question. She wasn't that kind of friend.

As a result, he told himself he was fine on his own.

Wiping the moisture from his face, he murmured, "Merry Christmas, Dad," feeling his voice waver as soon as he spoke. Harvey swallowed against the lump in his throat, making it difficult to speak. "I miss you. It's been so hard without you. God…" He huffed, looking up at the cloudy sky as if the universe held all the answers, instead a desperation hit him in the chest like a freight train. What if this deep sense of despondency would remain forever and he would always feel like this? Harvey was positive he wouldn't be able to live.

Shifting his weight, he stared at his feet. "I'm struggling. And Donna's helping me through it when it's not even her responsibility. And all I do is snap at her," he said, remembering their spat from earlier. Donna entered an emotional minefield every time she was near him and he felt like an asshole for it. She didn't deserve any of his venom and yet she was still here, supporting him in his hour of darkness. Didn't they say you only hurt the ones you love? Right. Love. He was sure he loved her, in a way. However, his ability to love had been tainted; the only person he'd loved and who hadn't betrayed him now resting in peace six feet below where he stood. Love was a risk he wasn't willing to take. The stakes were always too high, even for a gambler like himself.

If only his father was there to guide him along. 

From now on, Harvey would have to navigate this world by himself and the dawning realization unleashed a new set of tears. He surrendered, letting the misery engulf him. "I wish you were still here. I could kinda use your advice right now. I miss you, Dad." A sob escaped his throat and he let himself cry, feeling lost for the first time in years.

Minutes passed and the winds grew colder, a hint of snow teasing the biting air. Somewhere in the distance he heard tentative footsteps approach and Donna slipped her arm through his once more, her body cold against his side. She didn't say a word and he was happy with the silence, letting his final tears find their way into the soil beneath his feet.

Although, being here in Boston for the first time since the funeral was proving harder than expected, having Donna here as a beacon of strength for his so often wavering resolve was the best gift anybody could have given him this Christmas.

He turned to face her, unlinked their arms, and wrapped himself around her in a grateful embrace, hoping her nearness would transfer some of her vigor onto him. God knew he could use some of it right about now. But it seemed to work. The longer he held her, the braver he felt. Maybe he wouldn't always feel like shit. Maybe, someday, he might feel joy again. A sliver of hope weaved itself across his heart and he let the feeling settle, enjoying the comforting touch Donna freely provided.

When he finally managed to pull himself away, he gave her a rueful smile. "Thank you," he whispered, trying not to get his gloved hand tangled in her hair. For everything.

Donna's merciful eyes met his. "You okay?"

"I will be," he told her, because for the first time in six months, he felt like something had shifted inside of him. Perhaps it was time to start healing and him coming here had been the first step.

They spent the walk back to parking lot in silence, his heart still heavy with grief, though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Climbing into the car, Donna blew hot air into her hands, rubbing them ruthlessly. "Can you turn up the heat?" Her nose was red and Harvey realized that while he had been having a heart to heart with his deceased father, she had been waiting for him out in the cold, her dress nowhere near warm enough to keep her comfortable, even with the thick winter coat she had on.

"Of course, I'm so sorry I kept you waiting," he said, starting the engine straight away and fumbling with some of the dials.

"Don't be. I'm glad we went," she said through chattering teeth.

He looked at the woman slowly thawing beside him and a sense of gratitude filled his heart. Not only for what she had done tonight, but everything she had done for him since the night she had barged into his life all those years ago. "You're amazing. You know that?" he stated in awe.

The compliment must have caught her off guard, because her eyes lit up and the smile that turned up her lips increased the temperature in the car by several degrees.

"I do," she said, still shivering. Harvey imagined her physical reaction stemming from his words as much as the cold. "But it's nice to hear every once in a while."

He made a mental note to remind her more often.

Thanks to Donna, this had been one Christmas he wouldn't soon forget.

When Harvey pulled out of the parking lot, a desire to end this trip properly struck him. After all, Christmas wasn't over yet.

"Would you mind if we made one more stop?"

•

DONNA LOOKED out the window, tapping her knee. The heated seat was comfortable on her back and by now she had morphed from a human popsicle back to a woman who'd thought wearing only a dress and coat, with bare legs and no gloves, in late December, on the east coast, was a good idea. And yet, there wasn't a hint of regret in her body. Seeing Harvey's face after their embrace was all she needed this Christmas.

They had been driving for about fifteen minutes and although Harvey wouldn't tell her where they were going; she knew. He was on his way to see his brother, to make sure they were still okay.

Soon after, the car slowed down and pulled up into a driveway. "I'm really proud of you," she smiled, trying hard to fight the urge to show him how proud she was.

Turning the ignition off, Harvey turned to her. "Thanks," he replied with a hint of self-consciousness. "I figured I needed to at least say 'hi' while I was in town."

Smiling broadly, Donna's heart grew exponentially. Still, there was a heaviness in his tone telling her this was no easy feat for him. "I'll wait here."

With a nod, Harvey left the car and on his way to the front door, she thought she saw him glance over his shoulder, like he needed to check she was still there; as if her presence fed his courage.

The exchange between the Specters didn't last long. Somewhere halfway through their conversation, both men looked in her direction and Marcus waved his hand, a gesture she returned, before the brothers embraced warmly and parted ways.

When Harvey resumed his position behind the wheel, there was a smile on his face she hadn't seen in a while. Nothing over the top, just there, simmering around the joy he was experiencing. "I'm guessing that went well?"

"It did. He said to say 'thank you' and to bring you in next time."

"No need to thank me, Harvey. You did all the work." A new sense of delight made her reach out and give the arm closest to her a squeeze. "But I am happy you worked things out." And she had the hungry hope there would be a next time.

Donna found herself getting increasingly comfortable with the physical affection for Harvey and she warned herself not to get too used to it, knowing how addictive such intimacy could be, especially with someone whose touch she so desperately coveted. Still, she leaned into the realization for the first time in a long time. Although it was dangerous territory and would most likely end with her heart shattered, denying her feelings was also taking its toll and she hadn't decided yet which hurt least.

The less than two-hour drive back to Hartford rushed by with conversation flowing from work to family and even some stories of Harvey's time at Harvard and Donna's time in college, both reminiscing about happy memories of life at home when they didn't have a care in the world.

Harvey seemed relieved; lighter, somehow.

Donna loved this version of her boss, the casual, relaxed Harvey who would make her laugh and crack up at her jokes. Being with him was the most natural thing in the world; they were like the moon and tide; like yin and yang. But there was always a line neither one of them dared to cross. Yet, on nights like tonight, she wanted to cross it more than anything in the world. Screw her rule. Her heart was far more important than any job would ever be.

But how could she go back on a rule that had defined their relationship for the past four years? She had a hard time imagining his reaction, her mind-reading capabilities falling her short when it came to her own life. Sometimes, she would picture him pulling her in her arms and kissing her like there was no tomorrow, professing his love for her as they rode off into the sunset together and other times he got so mad he fired her, and then there was pretty much any scenario in between. However, tonight she leaned more towards the sunset option, with him being so lively. Now all she needed was the audacity to bring it up. Somehow.

Harvey followed her inside and Donna quickly checked the time; it was nearly eleven. Moving into the kitchen, she started making him some coffee for the road, something she had promised she'd do, to make sure he wouldn't fall asleep behind the wheel.

"Are you driving back tonight?" he asked, taking a seat on one of the stools around the kitchen island.

"I don't know. I really love being here and I was planning on staying. Would be nice to have breakfast with my mom, regardless of the hangover she will most likely be sporting."

Besides, her empty apartment was the last place she wanted to be tonight.

Harvey laughed at her remark and Donna studied his handsome face. Catching her wandering thoughts again, she decided now was the time to broach the subject, because she might never have the chance again. Bundling every strand of bravery she could find in her being, she uttered, "Don't you ever hate being alone?"

Filling the pot with water as if her heart wasn't pounding too fast and too hard, she relied on every last acting skill she had to mask her disquiet.

Harvey looked at her cautiously, but she was too afraid to meet his gaze and have him see right through her faltering facade. "Not really. I guess. Sometimes," he stammered.

Busying herself with the task at hand, she prayed he would follow his reply up with a query of his own, not sure she would ever dare bring this topic up again.

"Do you?" Harvey asked, having found a piece of holly to occupy his hands with. The tension in his voice reminded her this was not a subject they discussed. Period.

"I do." She glanced at the man sitting at her mom's kitchen counter; the man she had been with; the man she denied herself to want but whom she wanted more than anything. As a rush of adrenaline shot through her veins, she mumbled, "Especially on nights like tonight. It's so nice to spend time together, just talk, have fun."

She hesitated for a moment, gauging his demeanor. Then took the plunge. "With you."

His face strained, forming an expression that never took. Her little disclosure must have short-circuited something, because his shoulders squared and his brows furrowed. "What are you saying?"

Donna sighed, scrambling to find a way to contain this. Now. Before it was too late. "I'm saying that I had a really nice time with you tonight. That's all." She shrugged her shoulders, feigning indifference, as if her declaration didn't possess the power to change their status quo.

"No it's not," he said, alarm seeping through the words as they left his lips too fast and with too much conviction. She hoped to God he wasn't angry, because he would shut down and her attempt would have been in vain.

"Harvey, forget I–"

"Are you saying you want a relationship? Because I don't do relationships. All I'm good for is a great lay. But you know that," he spit out.

Now it was her turn to be offended. "Don't you dare say that to me. I didn't use you for sex."

"No? Then why did you sleep with me?"

"Because…" she trailed off, knowing the answer, but not ready to hear it out loud.

"Because you knew it would be good. And you also knew it would only be a onetime thing," he finished for her, throwing the crumpled leaf between them.

"No, I didn't." He stared at her incredulously and Donna waited, wondering if he might put two and two together on his own. But Harvey being Harvey didn't seem to catch on. "I didn't know it would be a onetime thing. Maybe I–"

"Maybe what?"

She watched his eyes grow bigger; his mouth contorted before his lips parted, the truth starting to pierce his thick skull.

Donna waited, searching for courage to say the next words out loud, facing them herself for the first time in years. "Did it ever cross your mind that maybe I didn't want it to be a onetime thing? Huh? If anybody was using anybody, it was you using me," she bit back. Her last statement was irrational and untrue, but she felt exposed, vulnerable, and needed him to back off.

If she had dared to look at him, she would have seen the horror on his face. A dagger to his heart would have been less painful. "You think I used you?" he asked softly, as if the answer could break him in two.

She heaved a sigh, too embarrassed to meet his gaze. "No, I don't." Staring at her hands, she finally confessed, "Maybe I hoped that once we slept together, perhaps we…" She paused, a shiver running down her spine. It was possible she had made a huge mistake in raising this subject in the first place, but there was no way out now. "… we could become more," she whispered.

"Donna."

Donna studied the crushed holly leaf between them; twisted and broken. Like them. "It's stupid, I know."

A silence filled the surrounding air, the sound of the coffee maker the only disturbance in the room. Harvey's voice was barely above a whisper when he asked, "Do you have feelings for me?"

Looking up to meet his gaze, Donna thought she saw a glimmer of hope shine behind his tormented eyes, but the bewilderment they carried threw her off track, trapping her into her own well-crafted version of reality. "I don't know, Harvey. I care about you. A lot. But I'm not in love with you, if that's what you're asking." But she could fall head over heels in a second, if he would only give her permission.

"But you want more?"

"I don't know what I want." For this conversation to be over. "Can you honestly say you've never thought about it?"

Now it was his turn to look away. "I don't know," he finally replied. "All I know is, I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

Donna swallowed a snort. He was such a bad liar. She knew he was only saying it to persuade himself. Yet, how could she argue with his reasoning? If he had convinced himself he didn't want a relationship, nothing she said or did would change his mind. Pushing him would only drive him away and that was the last thing she wanted.

But the rejection still stung. Her face fell, unable, and unwilling to hide the disappointment that had woven itself into her features, knowing Harvey's stare was hot on her skin. She dropped her eyes to the countertop separating them, momentarily unsure how to respond, trying to make sense of a wave of different emotions crashing into her.

"And because I don't want to lose what we have," Harvey added.

And there it was. his fear of losing her. Donna had had her suspicions about this particular aspect of their relationship, knowing he depended on her for more than just her secretarial duties. Still, he had never said it out loud.

It was also his way of saying he cared about her, too, the frailty in his voice enticing her to look at him.

"Those things are not mutually exclusive."

"To me they are."

"Harvey." Why couldn't he trust her enough to love him and not leave him? Instead, she watched him shake his head, unable to look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

"You didn't," she lied. Because he had. All the flirting confused her; the jealousy he tried to hide whenever she told him about a new boyfriend; the fear of losing her he had just confirmed he had, knowing his issues with abandonment. If that wasn't love, what was?

"Because I like where I am. We make a good team. I wouldn't be the lawyer I am today if it weren't for you. And right now, my focus is on my career."

"I get it," she uttered, faking a smile. Bullshit is what she got, but she swallowed the desire to call him on it. He wasn't ready and it was now up to her to decide if he was worth waiting for, fooling herself into thinking she didn't already know the answer to that question.

•

LYING THROUGH his teeth, Harvey felt his insides constrict with every untrue word leaving his lips. Not that he disliked being a bachelor; it definitely had its perks. Relationships were just not his strong suit. He'd had one serious relationship, back in college, but Scottie had left him when he'd been unable to commit, his anxiety standing in the way of him truly opening up, even though she had been madly in love with him and he had been crazy about her, too. Their mutual affection hadn't been enough.

Scottie was great, but she couldn't hold a candle to Donna. How would he even begin to love a woman like her? She deserved to be with a man who already was everything he longed to be someday, instead of wasting her time with someone like him.

He was broken. And until the day he decided he didn't want to be broken anymore, this was the price he had to pay.

Getting up from the counter, he put his jacket on. "I should go."

"Wait, let me get you a thermos." Donna darted away, rummaging through one of the drawers.

"Donna."

Her eyes met his, a hint of vigilance around the edges.

"Are we okay?"

"We are." The smile she forced didn't seem honest, but he took it. With her back turned to him, she poured him his coffee and he let his eyes wander over her body, wishing things were different, hoping to one day be different. For now, he'd settle for having her in his life and admiring her from a distance, because he'd be damned if he ever let her go.

Taking the drink from her, he made his way to the front door, a million thoughts running through his mind. Nothing had changed and somehow things were no longer the same. However, he needed them to be the same as he searched for reassurance they were still them.

"So," he said, waiting to meet her eyes, a grin teasing his lips. "You love me."

He watched her eyes grow wide as the tension left the air around them and a genuine smile tugged at her lips. "I never said that," she flirted back.

"No way. You can't take it back now," he smirked, relief washing over him.

"You're an idiot."

Harvey stepped over the threshold and turned around, nodding slightly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll be there. Maybe not at seven-thirty..." She winked at him. "Drive safe."

There was no embrace, no stolen touch, just a new divide between them.

Walking down the driveway, Harvey waited for the sound of a closing door, which never came. When he reached the car, he peered over his shoulder one last time, returning the small wave Donna gave him. The look they shared lingered and he had to tear his gaze away, afraid he might get pulled in and not leave at all.

Yeah, he really was an idiot. Because he had just lied to her and shut the door on them, possibly forever.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Please let me know your thoughts. :)


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